Journal

Expectations

Don’t ever put your happiness in someone else’s hands. They’ll drop it. They’ll drop it every single time.
-Christopher Barzak

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Expectations are dangerous, cruel even. I set myself up for things I want to happen and proceed to take the necessary steps to make those things happen. Then, what I'm finally met with is a disappointing outcome, one where I'm often defeated, easily fooled, or slyly jaded. What else do I need to do–especially with the connections that are developing in my life right now, most of them feel beyond superficial. I'm suffocating in an endless petty quarrel between men-not all of them gay-who are not against me, they're all just for themselves.

This is unknown territory–where contemplation of adapting how to love myself and make decisions that positively affect my happiness must demolish my ability to support those close to me. It sounds bizarre to me that these two should be separated, but clearly they are. It is draining. It is exhausting. It is demeaning to continuously calculate my next move, my next conversation, my next interaction, my next mistake, only to worry about someone else's criticism of me. And then worrying that my actions will ruin a relationship I have with someone else. I can hear my mothers advise in the back of my mind, "Do what's best for you, baby." I'm trying mama.