Platonic Gays?
This realization is significant when it comes to personal growth. This statement signifies many things for me: awareness, exhaustion, yearning, annoyance, and others. I interpret it as I want to be surrounded by others similar to myself; however, due to the lack of sexual exploration, most gay friendships become too sexual. Why is that?
Well, are you reading the room? In the U.S., the population of gay men is about seventeen percent. That's a small window when it comes to exploring your sexuality and figuring things out, unlike heteronormative standards where they are not only encouraged to engage in sexual activity, they are thoroughly prepared for it - particularly within communities where sex ed is available. This lack of sexual exploration forces gays to establish a sexual connection first and foremost, often shattering friendships and diminishing expectations. Here's some insight on how to approach different friendships: Clear Intentions | Setting Boundaries | Achievable Expectations
Clear Intentions
One of my favorite platonic friendships.
I was brand fucking new in a city I knew nothing about besides the details specified in my state-to-state grad school guidebook. I knew only one person who became my roommate, and my friend group blossomed from there—continually being thrown around from friend to friend, trying to find my crew. I recall meeting Johnny at the 5th party I'd gone to within two weeks. We hit it off pretty quickly, not just because we were the only gay guys there, but also because the vibe was right. It felt like we needed to be friends. We were all smiles around each other so much that people asked how long had we'd been friends? They were just as shocked as us to know we met just now. When we would get separated throughout the night, I'd make the rounds and be like, "Y'all, where's my buddy? I haven't heard his laugh in about ten minutes." I'd eventually find him behind closed doors with the girls - the party had reached the smoke and wind down portion. We talked the night away only for me to find out this was Johnny's last night in town. What the hell. He moved to California soon after.
Fast forward almost three years, and Johnny moves back to Reno at the end of obtaining my master's degree. Our friendship picked up exactly where it left off and substantially grew into best friend territory until I moved to Miami. I believe it was clear and precise intentions that cemented our friendship from the start. It was genuinely straightforward that we were not each other's type, no matter how many times other people tried to push that narrative onto us. Nor were we looking for sexual fulfillment within each other, not at all. What we wanted and achieved was a connection filled with nonjudgmental communication and a shit-ton of creative expression.
Mind you, all relationships are different; therefore, be conscious when you start to let attraction misguide your intentions. This lack of consciousness is where sexual urges take over.
Setting Boundaries
Learning Miami's Playground
I didn't care and still don't. I have enough friends; I did not move here to make friends per se. I was more so concerned with establishing connections and building up my clientele, so I came on pretty strong to most guys I met after moving here. It backfired tremendously; all of them turned me down. One guy later came around though, much later. But what I learned from all that rejection is figuring out boundaries. What is too much, and how far is too much? I used to think because I'm given a 'No' it must mean that something is wrong with me when in complete honesty, it had more to do with that person dealing with their own boundaries and absolutely nothing to do with me. I believe we're conditioned to think this way. We love to project someone else's perception onto ourselves.
This is where I started to verify my own boundaries and try to live by them. These guidelines have helped me remarkably.
For example, with Sebastian, I came on to him so strong that he disappeared for a bit. Again, I thought it was because of me cause you know, that's what we do, but come to find out it was because of medical reasons. Now how did I find this out? While cuddled up in his bed, a year later. One thing I cherished about that conversation was openness, his willingness to confide in me, and make me aware. This helped me dismantle any disillusion that I forced upon myself. We hear this all the time, "Oh, you do it to yourself." Very accurate in this case; I projected so many of my insecurities onto his rejection that I was blinded. Unaware of seeing that other factors play a part here, a much more significant role than little nugget me expressing his attraction.
Achievable Expectations
Lastly, why everything gets sexual between gay friends boils down to expectations. So much of gay life is centered around sexual freedom and expression. Why? I am torn on the exact reasoning, but I'm sure there's plenty of peer-reviewed material by scholars out there. If y'all find any, lemme know. Speaking from personal experience, I believe our expectations of sexual gay friends trickle down from generational norms. I'm also sure it goes back far more than this, but I want to visit the free-love era of the 60s when sex was openly explored among all people. It was a time of sexual freedom and cognitive stimulation that I envy every day—a time of free-thinking and self-exaltation. These mindsets were the last of a universal connection that a lot of us could benefit from today. Going into the 80s when sex became religiously deluded, shameful and deadly. America has kept this mindset since, and gay lives continue to pay the price.
Don't be fooled. Gays can establish strong and lifelong platonic friendships; however, we are prone to share more sexual encounters than others, I believe because we're simply able to. For me, I know I want to share intimate moments with many others because that's my love language–quality time spent. Before I leave this earth, I want my list of lovers to be my most prized internal possession, to know I've connected with others, and have shared a moment in time that belongs to us. It's understood, accepted, and valued to find said connection with only one person, but my love transcends such a dated notion. It's not that I have so much love that only one person deserves it. (If only one person deserves that love from myself, it is me, first and foremost.) No, this love feels as inviting as the perception of the second coming. Inviting enough for those who want to share a mutual connection with me.
