Relationships can suck all the shit outta my ass.
I accepted my attraction to straight men a long time ago, but what I've realized now, wholeheartedly, is that my relationships with straight men are far more successful than my relationships with gay men, significantly. Simply because the expectation of nothing happening is extremely high. What does this mean? I don't have to risk exposing certain parts of myself and moments in my life that could ultimately stop all forms of communication. For example, when I look back at my hookups, not just one night stands but also the occasional guy I'd be seeing, I much preferred my relationship with all of them before any sexual activity happened. For me, after reaching climax with someone, everything changes. They don't hold my hand anymore, they don't touch me or hug on me as often, conversation is dull, conversation is fucking tiring. Nothing infuriates me more than the same exact conversation with different people, constantly, over and over, year after year. Where are you from, what brought you here, where did you go to school, what was your research, have you been out of the country, what are you into, you wanna fuck? FUCK NO! Once they've seen you at one of your most vulnerable moments, they just leave, check you off a list and on to the next? I fucking hate hookup culture with a fiery passion that boils my blood to 900 degrees. I hate when guys tell me they like me or that they like me back because usually, it's always during a time when I'm not ready to ruin a friendship. At least even after I express my attraction to some straight men, and they decline, for the ones who still continue to develop a friendship with me become some of the strongest bonds in my life.
The gay men who I decline, I never hear from again. Nah, we can't be friends according to them. The gay men who I pursue, don't fucking want me. I could write a goddamn book about that. The gay men I finally connect with, always, always, always turn to ghosts! Either before getting to know me or again, after climax. Without fail. But the gay men who fully comprehend a platonic relationship, they are my golden treasures. There is more out there than sex. But people fight me all the time, "Oh DePaul please, look at your art, your writing, it's all sex." Yeah, dumbass, cause sex sells. "All the guys you portray in your work are stereotypical." And? Can I not benefit from the hypersexualized climate we live in? Just because I have presented those type of men in my work does not diminish my attraction to all forms of masculinity and feminity, in fact, my sex drive has never been as nonexistent as it is now. Truly, it's at an all-time goddamn low.
I'm just tired. So tired of this world and the way things are.