Sad Boi Hours
I swear social media is out to get me. It never fails after a good 2 to 3 months of steady self-love progress; I get hit with the boom. These memes bout took me out and ultimately made me say that's enough internet for today or made me get some ice cream.
4th of July
Starting with the cherry on top, this one put me over the edge, and I had to treat myself to some cookies. Mainly because it was my own family that asked me what I was doing for the 4th. I was taken aback, as if they weren't aware of the chaos around us. Many are looking for relief or for things to go back to normal, but I'm so flabbergasted that they aren't aware that normal was never working. What do we have to celebrate here?
Skinny Dudes
I feel like I went through the full cycle of acceptance after reading this; awareness, recognition, denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and acceptance. I hate how accurate this is, and it hurts that this is a common perception of smaller bodies like myself, that I'm consciously aware of at all times. I've tried for years, and am still trying to change my body and have it grow and adapt with me. Breaking away from this 'skinny' or 'boney' form that has dictated my whole life. I don't know. I'm using it to my advantage these days, but this meme really triggered some childhood teasing that makes me yearn for amnesia.
Holding It All In
This made me realize there's so much pint up anger inside of me that I've been holding in for years. Anger from childhood bullies who never got their karma, anger from arguments where I had only thought of a comeback days later, anger from discrimination and racial injustices in this country, anger from sexual assault and fetishizations; and so much more. I don't know what's going to be the last straw, but I will have the winning blow with everything that I am.
Going to the Movies
I had to send this one to a couple of group chats. This was my shit. Every Tuesday since 2016, I've been going to the movies because it's buy one get one with an AT&T plan. The theater was my happy place - they have the best Coca Cola, without fail. Fight me. And I just found so much solace of getting lost in a different world for just a moment. Covid has flipped this all the way around so much so that new releases are instantly available to stream. It's understood, and expected, this is the direction film production was headed, as more and more people would prefer to watch from home. However, it happening so abruptly hurt a little more. What I'm truly hoping for is a return of drive-in movies. That would be the saving grace.
Hush
I recall in another journal post documenting how I don't talk as much as I used to. Not because I don't want to, or because there's nothing to talk about, I believe this is the reasoning. My heart feels as if it is cocooned, steadily healing through a metamorphosis of some kind. I've been very short and sharp with my interactions, especially when it comes to the lives around me - whether it's my lack of enthusiasm for a friend's accomplishments, or even within myself and my own goals. I am having such a hard time caring about anything. Lately, I feel very much like I'm on auto-pilot while the world is doing whatever it's doing.