Contemplation

I never would've guessed that the verge of breaking my lease would torment me to document my inner thoughts on why I've contemplated suicide for years. And no, I don't give a damn about the stigma or embarrassment, nor do I yearn for anyone's love - you can keep it - my brain has loved me more substantially than I could have ever imagined; alas, love will never be enough to keep going through this. If I am to become part of this statistic, I want to leave behind precisely why.

For visual learners like myself, the analogy I use for suicide is a maze. That's always how I've envisioned it for myself. All through my life, when I've contemplated suicide, I'd hit parts of this maze that told me 'not yet' because my prize was around the corner, and I was fairly certain about this prize every time - this is why I have absolutely no suicide attempts. But once the award is obtained, the maze begins to change - very similar to The Maze Runner *spoilers* (unbeknownst to my loved ones, that series triggered my obsession to find a way out of this societal maze, only to realize it's entirely fabricated.) Finally, there comes the point, and I've reached it tonight, where these prizes have lost all their value, and my will to live is very, very slim. Now, why is that?

I'll get more into statistics, but I just wanna write out my turmoils first and break down this maze for myself. It is most vivid for me when I zone out and think about the near future. I rarely think further than that because the society I live in never intended for me to make it past the age of 25, let alone be educated. The systematic obstacles in my way used to motivate me to prove people wrong - which I think was also a ploy - cause now, I'm finding it very difficult to maintain that facade when I've already proved my worth to myself. I don't owe anyone anything, so why do I feel such immense sadness? Is it even sadness or defeat? When I get to this point of thinking, that's when the maze changes - as if it knows I'm onto something, but I already know it - humanity is too flawed. I've said it for years. How beneficial and blissful would the world be if we cared about each other more than money? This is the source of my turmoil. I'm running through this maze, leaving all kinds of creative markings for myself and the next person to find their way through - but not out - because I don't have the energy to make it out, just like I'm running out of energy to leave creative marks.

Myself, my friends, my family, and countless others have lived our lives from paycheck to paycheck - what does this mean? As of right now, the night of June 17th, I do not have the money to pay for my rent after August. What does this do to my brain? I am always stressing, not just about finding the money but more so the consequences of not finding the money. What could happen? The same thing that has happened to too many - homelessness, being forsaken and treated less than human - this realization has turned my stomach since I received my first paycheck in high school - that we are all one mistake away from hopelessness. And what burns up my soul is the colossal psychological acceptance as a society that this forsakenness is just the way it is.

You're delusional.

Who can tell me what the poverty line is in the United States? This line is usually calculated by finding the total cost of all the essential resources that an average human adult consumes in one year; for a little guy like me, it is estimated at $12,880 - my rent alone is $11,400. And I'm supposed to make do with $1,480.

Well, I'm telling you, I'd rather give it up. My thoughts are not well, and they haven't been for some time. I thoroughly understand why the happiest perceived people lose their minds and take their lives cause there just has to be something better on the other side.