I've never lived in a place where I could simply exist in my underwear, I've never felt comfortable enough to do so. Especially not under my mother’s roof, not in any of my dorm rooms during college, nor the numerous apartments I’ve lived in during grad school. Nowhere else. None of those places felt right. But now, here in this oasis, we’ve created a certain bliss that not only enriches the lives of those we choose to share it with, but it truly is a space that rejuvenates me every time I open its doors. Every time I open my eyes to these windows, every single breath I take within these walls make me whole every single day. When the time comes, breaking up with this apartment is going to annihilate me. There wouldn’t have been much growth for me without this space.

My goals were very personal, I wanted to figure out who I am post-grad school. Who am I without the assignments of forced creativity, without the continuous cruel criticism, and the demanding conceptual complexities of art-making? I’ve spent the past 23 years in school, accustomed to the scheduling, the breaks – it was all I’ve known. This was my first year without any of that, and although I was highly forewarned of the burnout and excessive creative block, I was not prepared to handle the habitual shift but I surprised myself. There wasn’t a problem keeping my creative currents flowing, because there’s always something to be inspired about while living in a new city that gives me a boner every time I look at its color palette. It has been easy for me to stay motivated and inspired, but what’s difficult is maintaining energy while working a fulltime job. I’m getting to a point where I enjoy my days off extremely too much – so much so that I’ve been dreaming of ways to let it go altogether.

Goals Break Down

Love all of me for myself, every single day

Most will say this is easier said than done but here’s my guide on how I did it. -first, I focused on what I like about myself and let it consume my train of thought and actions. To be more specific, I love my creative process of making art and sharing this process made me even more aware of how much I love doing it for myself. It made me aware of my mannerisms and let me see myself from an outside perspective – one that felt genuine and wasn’t forced. Another example, of course, is embracing your physical features, it took a while but I remember the switch from first thoughts of looking in the mirror changing from, “Who are you,” to, “I like you, “ and finally to, “I love you, and I got you.” It all stemmed from just being fucking tired of people. I was over the feeling of wanting to be wanted, it’s draining and took too much of my effort that needed to be used elsewhere. So I told myself, if no one can appreciate me, then I’m going to love me more than anyone ever can. You can’t force someone to love you, you just gotta let them miss out. -second, was understanding my thoughts - getting to the root of what makes me hate me. Ultimately what this comes down to is making sense of the opinions from others that I have allowed to control my thoughts. I tackled this in many ways, through making art, through writing, through conversations, through traveling, through reading. What was most beneficial was reading and writing. Getting outside of my head is very difficult for me because I am all I've ever had - myself, forever. So reading helps me break away from my reality and writing helps me come back to my reality with a clear mind to handle the real issues that are bothering me and to configure solutions on how to overcome them. third, you have to want it. Period. Dreams and aspirations are nothing without action. If you want to be better, if you want to change, you cannot wait for it to happen. It's an everyday fight for happiness and above all, it is definitely not linear. You are going to crash, over and over again but you are also going to be filled with much content over and over again. And always know that neither can be appreciated without the other, therefore it is crucial to learn your process and believe in you. Learn how to love you so others can love you better.

Build up artist connections in Miami

Although I haven’t built up my power team of creatives, I have at least established some sort of bond with the following individuals. Some of these relationships are freshly planted seeds, some have roots, others have sprouted while others are in full bloom. I’m looking forward to collaborating with you all or being involved with your creative environments – whatever the fates allow.

Viito - the sweetest soul who makes my heart smile.
Chris - intriguing filmmaker with a sugar plum tum I’d like to know more.
Rob - another cutie filmmaker I’d like to know more, his attention to color palettes entice me.
Juanita - thriving drag dj whose so down to earth, I greatly appreciate their generosity.
Sean - a rarity whom excites my curiosity beyond creative means.
Tony - the vibes are just right with this one, really want him around.
Kenjay - such a caring and fashion-forward gem I’d love to photograph.
Santiago - amazing musician who exudes selflessness, I cannot wait for our friendship to blossom.
Blamie - my favorite dragqueen, I want nothing but the best for you!
Stephen - clothing designer whom I could talk to for hours just to listen to his voice, hopefully he’ll give me a chance soon.
Zastera - my intergalactic roomy, he deserves so much - you will be supreme in your creative endeavors.
Nick - determined creative being ready to embark on new adventures, I’m here to help as much as I can.

Become Pantone certified

This was a hypothetical goal that I set in the sense of being recognized by Pantone and/or deemed a Pantone designer. Although I haven't gained their attention just yet, I am however highly acknowledged as the Pantone guy. So much so that people are giving me gifts from the company. It's sweet, I feel very content of being recognized in this way.

Find a mutual intentioned best friend

Sam for sure takes this title. We've been through a lot together this year and I cannot envision her not being in my future. We're making things happen that are hush-hush at the moment.

Be invited to a rooftop party

Thanks to Danny, this was crossed off my list pretty early. And it happened again thanks to my roomy, which ended in very interesting ways. Chat with me about it sometime - it involves a bald, gorgeous ginger.

Experience a 3 day cruise and/or yacht trips

Thanks to Sam, we went on a little Millionaires Row tour around Miami Beach. It was calming and has me inspired for a 2020 cruise.

Here’s to the New Year

Not to spend too much time on 2020 goals because I don't want my expectations to get ahead of me. But to document my current thoughts on the goals I have set are as follows: I want to go on 30 dates to figure out my compatibility with others, not just with men but with all walks of life. I want to embrace all humans and see who else is out there. Practice asking enticing questions will coincide with this, as well as help me navigate other conversations whether artistically or professionally. Traveling is a given, it's gotta happen. I've always wanted to skateboard - before I even learned how to ride a bike but my mom kept it away from me. What is driving me lately is the dream of skating on one of my polka dot dicks. My will shall be done! Same with learning Spanish - being bi-lingual means so much to me on so many levels and it crushes me how my childhood was robbed of not learning it at a younger age. I will commit more and more from here on out. I want my dick pierced, and my nipples too actually, simply because I want to use my own body in my work more. I'll photoshop some examples to possibly persuade me to do it, we'll see. Lastly, I didn't read as nearly as many books as I wanted to this year, especially compared to 2018 or grad school in general. There's so much insight out there that I missed out on but I'm hoping to catch some of it next year. I love y'all, now go love yourselves.

Journal

2019 Recap