Thinking Out Loud No. 867
This week my journal prompted me with an interesting question that I would like to expand on.
What new thing have you done this past week?
Why did you do it, and what perspective did you gain from it?
Not necessarily new to me but more of an extension or expansion. I've been combining and adding myself much more fluidly into my work - in a literal sense. I want to decipher the delay for such colossal progress, and it all comes down to two reasons:
I felt the narrative became too redundant.
I didn't value my body as much as the bodies I depicted.
Redundant Narrative:
So naive of me to think that just because I created the artwork, that enough signifies a self-portrait. So young and too self-conscious and honestly too ashamed to have my nude body displayed in my work. Morals held a lot of control over my earlier work. I remember self-censoring sabotaged my work and blocked so much of my creative process. Having my body being recognized as mine felt dirty because of religion's manipulation of sensuality and society's lack of sex ed. I forgive myself for having such a mindset. Now, I present myself wholeheartedly in my work, not only to complete my narrative but also to take up space and include myself in a society that was not meant for me.
Body Values:
I was always nervous and embarrassed to make self-portraits because I never felt on par with the models I depicted. This profoundly changed for many reasons.
abundance of self-love/self-healing
embracing skinniness
understanding my attraction to different body types
accessibility
inner and outer portrayal
Out of all of these, the last two stuck the most. When I saw how others depicted me in their work, it clicked that I, too, am enough. I also started to love myself inside and out and wanted to make up for lost time. It's been nice, having my mind grow and change with my body. As for accessibility, going back through my archives, I discovered that my past selves have been preparing for this moment. I've had countless photoshoots queued up from over ten years ago. Myself in various poses, locations, and moods to help convey my current frame of mind. It's as if my body was waiting for my mind to catch up.
Going back to my prompt, what I'm able to accomplish now, which is new to me, is placing myself in my work to convey a sense of versatility. It shows that I can freely be all of these things and start to tell all of my stories.
